Prints of Wales

Edward Longshanks
For castles gave thanks.
They kept the Welsh contained
And the Scots distrained.

By Cadw | Herbert Ortner 


Reform Follows Dysfunction

Eric Pickles
Would hate Prime Minister's Tickles;
Questions to the Prime Minister may be nugatory,
But Masosadism is altogether too gory. 


Brief Encounter

Harrison Ford
Tied his jim-jams with detonator cord;
His y-fronts bore the powder burns
For which an action hero yearns.

© Spreadshirt


Would an English Rose smell as sweet?

Billy Twelvetrees
Declined sponsorship from Febreze
They don't do an odour trap
That'll civilise a rugby forward's jockstrap

© Sodacan


Bleak Friday

Black Friday discounts
The marketers' siren call
Reaching Psyche's depths

or do you prefer (comments welcome):

Black Friday discounts
Supermarkets cut prices,
eyes, lips and knuckles



Enigma's Variations

Alan Turing
Undecided if he was out or in,
Axiomatically an Entscheidungsproblem,
He named it the Irritation Game.



A Patrician walks

Andrew Mitchell
Shared with Nicholas Witchell
A reverence for Royal Slebs
Though not Thrasher's disdain for Plebs

By International Office, via Wikimedia Commons


Where were you?

I remember where
I heard the BBC News
"Philae has landed"

By European Space Agency (Rosetta and Philae at comet) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons



Feeling so empty
A wrong-shaped hole in my life
Paper over cracks


Of Eagles and Beagles

Irene Adler 
Owned more riding crops than a hunt saddler. 
Her Langlaufen on Pulver rocked; 
Her downhill skiing left one feeling SHERlocked. 

By Charles Dana Gibson (drawing) Aloxi (first upload in 2006) ΛΦΠ [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons


Tantric Sax

Clarence Clemons
Put off sucking lemons.
It turned a tone so mellow

By Clarence_Clemons_performs_in_Baltimore,_2009.jpg: Jamison Foser derivative work: Arbor to SJ [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons


Österreichische Wortspielchen

William Kellner
Caught the atmospherics of a brief encounter,
But traveled by craven Roller, or would fly,
To avoid getting a smut in the eye.


Bottling it up

Marketing jargon:
"Vapour-distilled" aitch-two-oh
So makes my blood boil

Or do you prefer:

"Vapour-distilled" hype

Regarding bottled water 
So makes my blood boil


A very particular set of skills

Does Liam Neeson
feel a frisson
of glee, son, when he hears the 'phone ring
and it's his agent proclaiming "Kerching!"?


Dichotomy? Or Libidotomy?

Love unrequited?
Who cares for requisition?
Age brings wise feelings?

Or do you prefer

Love unrequited?
Contentment beats requitement
Age brings wise feelings.


Famous Writers 1

Beryl Kingston
Found plotting novels such fun,
But tied herself up in a terrible muddle
Packing for a cruise across a puddle.


The Great British Pub #Sarcasticon

The Crystal Palace
Regimented figurines
Inflated prices

£4.99 for a packet of crips and a pint of Fosters, mate! You've got to be taking the raw prawn cocktail... 
Them's not London - well, Teddington, prices - them's worse!



Ugandan Naval Relations

Commander Sarah West
Allegedly made a frigate her love nest.
Not so much "Sleeping with the Enemy;"
More a whole new meaning for "her third dickey."


Lights Out - August 4th, 1914

Lamps are going out...
Except on that War Machine

Sir Edward Grey, 1st Viscount Grey of Falladon

Inspired by that iconic and prescient quotation attributed to the British Foreign Secretary on the eve of the Great War:

The trauma it engendered earned it the epithet "the War to end all wars."

This has not proved to be so.


Five Guinea Reward

It pays to advertise, Mrs Malone,
And in truth the lady was rarely alone,
As gentlemen handed in her merkin
At 9 Gay Street, a-smirkin'

From: "Lifting the Georgian petticoats" by Georgette McCready, THE BATH MAGAZINE, 142, July 2014.



Frankenstein's Nag

Victor Frankenstein
Swore blind lightning works just fine.
Like all Renewables unpredictable;
Yet his horse, though bolted, remains stable.




A Man For All Somerset Timezones

Jacob Rees-Mogg
Modeled his suits on the wardrobe of Douglas Hogg;
His quizzical features on those of Douglas Hurd,
And his ungainliness on that of Big Bird.

Or do you prefer the following?

Jacob Rees-Mogg
Modeled his suits on the ensemble of Douglas Hogg;
His quizzical features on those of Douglas Hurd,
And his gaucheness on that of George the Third.


Dawn arrives

Wan light through windows
Night shifts to day, Dawn arrives
Along with Nurse Claire



How do I answer?
'How'd you get that scar, fella?'
"Cut myself shaving"?



David Ike

General Dwight D. Eisenhower
Swapped military for political power.
What'd that moderate Republican grandee
Have made of the Mad Hatters' Tea Party?


Classic propaganda

Leutnant zur See Ernst Hirth
Serious by name and not a noted flirt;
Played by Eric Portman in 49th Parallel
In an array of snazzy Canuck apparel.



Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose

Sigsbee Manderson
Would've felt 'Oligarch' sounds like great fun.
Nothing penetrated his thick carapace
Save the bullet found in Trent's Last Case.


PPE GCSE: Multiple Choice Question 1; Option D

Or would you opt for Choice 'D'?

Ironically, Nigel Farage
Is German by mariage;
His Ukippers stink; his People's Army van is to disparage;
Ein Volkswagen! Ein Riech! Ein Farage!


PPE GCSE: Multiple Choice Question 1; Option C

Or do you favour Multiple Choice 'C'?

Nigel Farage

Puts his horse before the carriage;
The immigrant flood before gay rain
And, generally, credulity does strain.


PPE GCSE: Multiple Choice Question 1; Option B

Or do you prefer Choice 'B'?

Nigel Farage

Kept his bandwagon in the garage;
His German PA shackled by mariage,
And gay rain held back by the Thames Barage.


PPE GCSE: Multiple Choice Question 1; Option A

You may choose one of four options: do you choose 'A'?

Nigel Farage
Fears flooding following gay marriage,
And his antipathy to the Bulgar
Borders on the vulgar.


The Riot in the Imagination Dept

Trembling child atop;
Scary Monsters 'neath the bed.
But who's more frightened?

Or do you prefer the following. Feel free to comment...

Monsters 'neath the bed
Perhaps it's they who're scared of
Ravening children?


E Clerihew Bentley

Edmund Clerihew Bentley
Wove poesy and wit so gently
Two rhyming couplets were his thing
Not conscious uncoupleting


Still full of herself

Shining brightly though
Long being in Earth's shadow
Luna starts waning

With thanks to @DandelionGirl01 for her inspiring image:

Photo by Tomruen ([1]) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons


Game of Thrones

Male Members in House
Rate female MPs by their boobs.
And we them by theirs.

Or do you prefer the Haiku below. Feel free to comment.

Gender power games
Played on fantastic thrones? No;
Green leather benches.

These haiku were inspired by news articles from 2004 and 2014.

And in a display of even-handedness MPs appear to be exercising asymmetric sexual power in gay relationships also. Equality of a kind but hardly laudable...



I, Spy...

Johnny Worricker
Laboured under his unwieldy moniker.
Whereas Bond got the gambling, the guns, the girls;
Got to act the complete swine amongst pearls.



Hitchhikers' Guide to Clerihews

Peter Jones
Made no bones
About it - The Book
Should be available on Nook

Douglas Adams
Unmoved by Goddamns,
Poot!, Fiddlesticks!, and Bum!
Revealed the worst Galactic swear word is - Belgium!

A tribute to the two who sadly can't be there on Radio Four at 10.15 this morning.


Of the Gododdin

Ian Rankin
Did Clerihewers threaten a right good spankin'
And around inattentive coach tourists did fuss
"Inspect or re-bus!"


Streaming of Unconsciousness

My alarm woke me
As my dream reached the 'reveal'
It's on I player?

(or do you prefer)

My alarm woke me
As my dream reached the 'reveal'
No spoilers thank you!



The lump in the throat
Brought on by great emotion?
That stays unwelcome.


Run it up the Walpole; see who salutes it...

Manfred, Prince of Otranto,
A classical villain straight from panto,
Mistreating his wife and daughter in need of an heir,
Though sadly without ever twirling his facial hair.


Shorn of the dreadlocks

Warming fire and gloom
Well-kept bitter and "pig snacks"
The Bell's Ennui Night



Don't be vaig...

General Douglas Haig
Generally bathed in Laphroaig;
The bottle with the dimples,
He reserved to soak his pimples.


Tales from the Blood Bank

A lady named Mrs Barrett
Might've welcomed a talking parrot
Looking behind her at the appointments screen
If it could also read, it'd earn the right to preen.