Singapore Slang

Sir Thomas Stamford Raffles.
What truly baffles?
He didn't invent the charity raffle
But of Singapore's future oft did babble.



Ask a Rupert

Lt Colonel Phillip 'Rupert' Smith.
Quirky, sure, but never wore a Helmet, Pith.
"What's the first rule?"
It's gotta pin - don't use it to play boules.


Wolf Lord I

Lord of Dyfed Prince Bleiddudd,
The Monks of Tenby outwith,
Priests generally he found fickle.
While Druids made him sickle.



The Big Bang Trouble With Sheep And Goats

There once was a priest from Terra Haute,
Who purchased some sheep and a goat.
Love can be bought, he thought,
Until the moment he got caught.
That quote terribly haughty priest unquote.

credit: TBBT



Old Fat Furry Catpuss

Once auditioned for Ballets Russes;
His pirouette from watchers a vision did cajole
Of a rotund and lazily twirling barber's pole.

photo: BBC


Marketing for Kids

Paddington Bear,
Of his brand, takes great care.
Always wears a red hat and duffel coat
Three sizes too large (allows for marmalade bloat).


Mrs Brown's Boys

Rosemary Isabel Brown
Made many a rationalist frown.
Her being Brahms and Liszt
In so many bars left them pissed.

Or do you prefer

Rosemary Brown
Made rationalists drown
Their sorrows with many a beer
As they couldn't expose this seer.

Or perhaps

Rosemary Isabel Brown
Inhabited a huge ghost town
Of decomposing dead composing and dictating
New compositions the quick required authenticating.


England Expects...

Vice Admiral Horatio Lord Nelson,
When all was said and done,
Was cables ahead of Admiral Byng
With his invention of virtue signalling.

credit: Wikipedia



A basic sponge mix
Equal parts Irish butter
Sugar, flour and eggs

On comparing notebook contents with Ben Colley,
the barman at the Rose and Crown, Larkhall


The Balearic Scapegoat

Admiral John Byng
Went to Minorca for a fling.
Ended up losing what he oughtn'a
Pour encourager les autres.

or do you prefer

Admiral John Byng
Would've preferred even Sing Sing
To encouraging more assertion
By being shot for duty desertion.


Here's The Big Un

Kim Jong Un
Is no Kim Rong Un.
What else is a lowly poet to scribble?
A mad man with boosted fission bombs brooks no quibble.



Grant Shapps
Is one of those unsavory Tory chaps,
But Michael Green
Has no better reason to preen.

Shapps                    Green


Total Eclipse of the Dumb

President Donald J. Trump
Will look a science-denying chump,
If Fox News prompts him to tweet
"Sad. The Sun's been eaten by a yuge parakeet."


Royalty Loyalty

Salmon Rushdie
Found it decidedly fishy
That they'd not accept, his pals,
He'd made nowt from Midnight's Children residuals.

© Jonathan Cape



Born To Pun

Clarence Clemons
Avoided sucking lemons.
They caused the Big Man's lips to bloat,
Imparting a bitter citrus note.



Alternative Fads

Follow the Yellow Brick Road,
Exhorts the Myriad Media Toad,
As if thought of the Red Brick Road's a sin.
Oh, Jeremy Corbyn!

credit: Independent


For Every Well-Off Household

Etiquette demands
Special fish forks and fish knives.
And for bean-burgers?

Or does this work better?

Etiquette requires
Special fish knives and fish forks.
But veggie sausages?


The Puck Stops Here

Dame Margot Fonteyn,
For only one sport felt no disdain.
She admired the charm, grace and poise
Of those professional ice hockey boys.

or do you prefer

Dame Margot Fonteyn
Was a great fan of the quatrain,
Which makes it deuced hard to
Compose for her a Clerihew.


Twinkle Toes

Rudolf Nureyev
Knew better than Our Kev.
A Russian High Lift does not deploy
Ballet lovers to the gods at the Bolshoi.

or do you like

Rudolf Nureyev
Made a mean Chicken Kiev.
Slow-baked, we heard;
It wasn't the Firebird.

credit: BBC


Moto Gizzi

Gizzi Erskine
Might now never wear ermine.
But her jellied stoat
Would bring a lump to many a throat.

credit: ibsan73


Childhood Memories II

John Noakes
Was just one of them blokes
With no fear of heights
Or any Blue Peter pet what bites.

credit: BBC

or do you prefer

John Noakes
Astonished the young folks
From the cross-trees of HMS Ganges
To ironing Valerie's singlet, hun' (and dungarees).

credit: BBC

or perhaps

John Noakes
Would have loved it, folks!
The chance to interview Johnny Depp;
He'd have huzzahed "Get down, Shep!"

R.I.P. John Noakes (6 March 1934 – 28 May 2017)


Childhood Memories I

Valerie Singleton
Could have endless fun
Making gifts from loo rolls
And broken old washing up bowls.

and there's

Valerie Singleton,
In 1971,
Made so much from empty detergent bottles,
Loo rolls, glue and Tiger Moth throttles.

credit: BBC


Artistic Differences

Richard Burton
Was notably curt on
Whether Philip of Macedon's fate
Was to be upstaged by his Alexander the Ingrate.

Credit: United Artists


Barren Yarns

Hieronymus Karl Friedrich, Freiherr von Münchhausen,
Gehört einer Kette Brünchhausen.
Zwar war das Deutsch hoch, doch,
Aber gerochen haben die Fische ziemlich höher noch.


or do you prefer

Baron Munchausen
Told tall tales ten to the dozen
Of djinns, houris and caliphs,
But never of bankers and bailiffs.

Gustave Doré


Doctor, No?

Roger Moore,
The Beeb claimed, felt it a bore
To attempt the Bond sex scenes aged 58.
Roger No More was to be his fate.

RIP, Sir Roger


The Ingenious Mechanick

John Joseph Merlin,
With figurative moustachios atwirling
And mechanical gaming machinations,
Aroused in Georgians disturbing sensations.

Gainsborough, 1792


Rhyme Suspect

Lynda la Plante
Never mentioned the interview room's elephant,
Or indeed fashion, politics or sect,
To her prime suspect.

credit: Alchetron


Henry Petty-Fitzmaurice

The Fifth Marquess of Lansdowne
Caused the editor of the Times to frown
With his letter begging to implore
The First World War be declared a draw.


Increased Propensity to Flag-Waving

Sunny 9th of May
Humming Europe Day's anthem
It's all Owed To Joy

or do you prefer

Feeling high pressure
Strumming Europe Day's anthem
Owed to Beethoven

© Banksy