Burgess & Maclean's Soviet Union

That Cold War Russia

Terra Incognita or 

Terror Cognita?

Peer pressures

Minimum wage slaves
If you break into a sweat
You're working too hard

Nalyd's ach-y-fi Pant's

Religious trousers

Shroud not Llaniddos Cwm's knoll

Mystic tumescence

Dot Tautology

English Defence League's
Nazi salutes - the Um-lout
In the Übermensch

11.12.13

On this special day
Brits question Americans'
arse-about-face dates

Good and Evil

Evil makes the News
Because in this world there's too
Much Good to report

The Great War?

Why named The Great War?
Was it so damned great for some
We had a second?

Or do you prefer,

Why named The Great War?
Was it so damned great for some
They've made a series?

The Great War

Many millions died

But many more millions lived

Lives changed forever

Their bight is worse than their barque

Pirates take their arrrs
From shipwrights leaving ghostly
Pale shipwights behind

Mistaken Identity

Steven Moffat
And his black and white cat.
Oops! Wrong franchise;
Though he delivers a packet each time the Doctor dies.

Myth Too-Good

No pea'l disturb her
A Princess in steel-capped boots
Step not on her toes

It's the Money, Stupid!

Happy to have work
No matter how beneath one
Society's yoke

The Common Touché

Les Miserables
Traveled oft by marsh-gas dirigibles.
He weren't offended by the stench
But by them what thought his name were French.

What's my motivation?

A Chinese Hamlet
Dim Sum's rotten in Denmark
It'll make me Bar'd

A SIGN OF OUR MIDDEN TIMES

"PLEASE DON'T LEAVE LITTER"
How'll future archaeologists
Fill our lacunae?

or do you prefer

Archaeologists dig
To fill the past's lacunae.
So put the spoil where?

11.12.13

On this special date
Americans ask themselves
What's next in sequence?

Nothing else sets us apart

Chimpanzees make tools
Man now special 'cause of his
Opposable puns

Waiting for the other shoe to drop...

Does the other shoe
Make any sound when it falls
Amongst the shoe trees?

Noch ein Bier? Bitter?

Zwei leise Deutsche
Fremdsprach' in Larkhall sicher
Aber kein' Hehlsprach'

Grockel Alert!

You know they're German
Sitting close in your local
Aber kein Wort's' klar

"Weather tis nobler in the mind..."

Larkhall landlady
Hails from Canadian climes
She'll get used to it

Bitter disappointment

Two fit young women
Order two pints of lager
And one Butcombe beer?

Sung in vivo

Sudden Opera
It's not over until the
Pregnant ladies sing



On being speedily invited to the English Touring Opera's performance of the Coronation of Poppea at the Theatre Royal, Bath... I wonder what it's like for a young foetus when your mum-to-be spends her evenings singing, as did the artists playing Poppea and Drusilla in last night's excellent performance.

Alas an alias?

Engelbert Rodrigo
Has to be an alias, bro!
The French Foreign Legion requires a nom de guerre;
The Danish merchant navy a nom en mer?

It never reigns but it paws

Flavius Belisarius
Had every reason to cuss;
Blinded, cuckolded, footsore; stripped of his triumphal palms.
And now a sodding tin denarius passed in his alms!

On the telly

Professional Darts
Well lubricated; the Proof?
One Hundred Eighty!!

But haven't we already paid for it?

Bosom-locked secrets
Of Nature revealed by Man
In Nature reveiled

The Joy of Science

Bosom-locked secrets
Of Nature unveiled by Man
In nature undreamt

It's a Dog's life

Old man in a pub
A pint and a newspaper
His dog at his feet

or do you prefer

Dog marks time's passing
A pint and a bluespaper
Old man in a pub

Craig's List

Daniel Craig's list
Of things Bond does when pissed
Fascinated spies,
And sparked a run on mince pies...

The Experience

Jimi Hendrix
Could make music with just two sticks.
With a guitar,
He was better by far.

The view from Guildford

The desolate North
No good schools or restaurants
Needs a good fracking

Comic Genius

Iain Duncan Smith
Caught a Bash Street Kid with a spliff.
By Jove!
Wait until I tell Gove!

Enemies can't hurt you like friends can (4)

Rely on your strengths
The weaknesses of others
Are not your problem

Enemies can't hurt you like friends can (3)

Should you balance your
Need to forgive with your wish
To first get them back?

or do you prefer

Should you balance your
Wish to forgive with your need
to protect your heart?

Enemies can't hurt you like friends can (2)

Unexpected sight
Erstwhile friend then betrayer
To forgive is... pants

Enemies can't hurt you like friends can (1)

Why did no-one say
To forgive is to beget
Future betrayal

Hardly a feminist role model

Is the White Widow
Bomb Maker or Myth Maker?
No Mythes Maker

How to... have multiple pleonasms

"Evil terrorists"
The tabloid media proclaims
In case you weren't sure

Are those Russian Dolls simulated?

Were CosmoSim proved
Greatest pain 'twould be knowing
Our love is a sham

or do you prefer

Were CosmoSim proved
Greatest pain 'twould be your pain
Is as real as mine

Most communication is non-verbal...

In Court as Commons
See the whole face; the whole truth
The Noes and the Ayes

To Bomb or to Barter [Is it better...]

In Blair's demon eyes

Syrian lives are worth less than

Cost of Putin's bribes

Arnos Vale Café

Pre-Rafael woman
Serving the water of hype
In vale of slumber

Why The Smaug Face?

Benedict Cumberbatch
Is a danger around thatch.
Playing a dragon, What's On foretold,
Means he'll now blow hot as well as cold.

Frackingstein's Monster

Poor Francis Egan,

So conflicted, to weep he began.

With fangs drilled into the body politic, is he Count Fracula?

Or sire to an earth-shaking monster named Cuadzilla?

Or do you prefer

Poor Francis Egan
Conflicted, to weep he began.
Fangs sunk in the body politic; is he Count Fracula?
Or sire to an earth-quaking monster, Cuadzilla?

"Self-Praise is Know Praise"

How does one express
"Not blowing my own trumpet..."
When you're Herb Alpert?

Drilling down...

In Llandridnod Wells
I learned that the bucket shop
Sold pails not tickets

Diarised entry

Bram Stoker
Thought the pen mightier than the poker
And the phonograph and the typewriter
When challenging an Undead biter

How will we Fossil Fools be remembered?

Found by ETs' ship
Our fitting testimonial
Super-car adverts?

Continents still friends, just drifted apart

All San Andreas' Fault?
California and US 
Expect to divorce

Not quite the same, really...

"Paperback Writer"?
What would The Beatles choose now?
"E-Book Self-Pubber"?

Those whom the Ghods wish to sub-edit,...

When Godhood appeals
But vacancies are too few
Become an Author

Lifestyle Choices

I miss you all so
Why do we choose life alone
Death's soon solitaire

An Astronomical Truth

We can live and love
And bicker and fight and kill
Because stars have died

Reality Television

"Motorway Coppers" 
Perp-chasing entertainment 
For couch potatoes

Tired and emotional

Writing poetry
While tight can lead to unplanned
Morning ickyness

Classic Books from Alternative Universes 4

Graf Dracul beschlagt
Wie eine Dampflok lochend
So schreibt Bahn Stoker

Classic Books from Alternative Universes 3

Blood freshly imbib'd
Youth reviv'd; boy band reform'd
Denotes Wham! Stoker

Classic Books from Alternative Universes 2

Vegan Dracula
Sucks sap from virginal veg,
Scribbles Bran Stoker

Classic Books from Alternative Universes 1

Undead Count shuns blood;
Prefers the water of life,
Inspires Dram Stoker.

Democratic Deaficit

Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, 

The Misunderstanding Man, 

Suppressed dissent as only an elected tyrant can. 

He met his match in the Standing Man.

Who'd be a Pubco's tenant?

Landlords, once hardy
Perennials, now fight to
Bloom as annuals

Phew, what a Scorcher!

Pity one poor fly
Token sacrifice to the 
Sticky death-trap strip

"Team TB"

Totemic Rugby
One fixture you will not see
Badgers vee Farmers

Brock Back Mountain

If Brock played tennis
Would his winning in straight sets
Offend gay badgers?

@Alison_Morton

Alison Morton
Thought Matriarchy more fun.
Dandied Latin lovers leave her unimpressed.
But "Ave, audaculus!" the lover of Latin (even in his vest).

Battle of the Sexes

Sex is like Warfare
Victors write the Histories
Losers face the Trials

@Liz_Fenwick

Liz Fenwick
Plotted so assiduously she felt sick:
A Cornish Dalliance; A Cornish Pasty,
And of course, A Cornish Cream Tea.

24 Hours from Topsham...

Topsham's a patch far
To go for motor justice
Unless you've a car

On being informed Devon & Cornwall Police act robustly to protect the safety and rights of pedestrians on the roads...

Is the Pig and Fiddle a Punch Tavern?

Gavin Henson.
Oh the tension
Released by that swift blow.
By an infuriated team-mate laid low.

According to the Gospel of St Jeremy

Ghod smote the Vanites 

Laid waste their white chariots 

And saw it was good

From the Dentist's Chair

Fractured shards ov'rhead
Fly ever trapped in fresnelled
Plastic not aspic

The persistence of blurred vision...

If Victoria Works
Didn't, Belvoir Castle will
Moativate locals

Evening, all!

Ipse Dixit is
Latin for Dock Green's Dixon.
Take my word for it!

Ron, Harry and Hermione have aged, but the magic's still there...

The Rowling Stones play
Glastonbury at long last.
Magic from Muggles!

A Summer's Day's Walk

Sweet smelling hedge rose

Pollen drifting by – hedge roes
So British, hedgerows

@LizHarrisAuthor

Liz Harris, Author,
Never shudda oughta 
Ridden that bucking bronco in Kansas 

And tumbled onto her beloved prairie grass

"Right men Action Stations!"

Trumpton backs Lions?
Cuthbert Halfpenny North not
Cuthbert Dibble Grub

@CarolJHedges

Carol J Hedges

Made two pledges.

To save her town green

And remove her councillor's spleen.

Time And Relative Displacement In Society

First female doctor
By sad sexists demoted
To the first Nurse Who?

Well, owl be damned!

A wise old owl said
"Twit to woo." Romance writers
Tend to disagree.

The Joy of Escalation

Did the French have the right idea: 

Esprit d'escalier 
Posher yet less pithy than 
English staircase wit 

or should they have coined:

Esprit d'escargot 
French snails' banter beats British 
Bulldogs' staircase wit 

How do you get a giraffe in a fridge?

Combine giraffe with 
Toffee and pastry in a
Giraffee Pie. Chill!

Why you never see a shaggy piano

Ice Age Man hunted 
Woolly Pianofortes 
For their ivory

An earlier food adulteration scandal

Sweeney Todd
Flat-footed Runner Plod.
He served Long Pig not the usual Horse;
Pies filled with sweat and sour cook in sauce.

Pub Poster Nostalgia - 2

Edgy modern prose?
"Hoe's Sauce - for dainty dishes."
Or lost innocence?

Pub Poster Nostalgia

"Andrews' Liver Salt"
Strap-line: "A Sound Investment"
What rate of return?

Preferred Martial to Marital Arts

Napoleon Bonaparte 
Caused Europe to be blown apart. 
On affairs of the heart less keen; 
"Not tonight, Josephine."

Alimentary, My Dear Watson...

Inspired by this news report. Which do you prefer?

Curried pubic hair
Court gaols short curly fraudster
Serves thyme in kitchen?

or

Pubic hair Balti
Fraudster hoist by own petard
Tinted brown not black.

True to her art

Marlene Moon
glides selenely through the eye of the typhoon. 
The Silent Movie Star mimes and pouts, 
Never speaking at Gatsby's great blow-outs.

Not to drone on...

Automated War:
"Unexpected item in
body-bagging zone."

The Four Horsemen of the Acropolis

1 - Austerity,
2 - Tax Evasion, 3 - Debt
and 4 - Deficit

Overheard from Overhead (Bridge over Troubled Waters)

Punt on the Avon
A spoiled brat bored by idyll
"I hate peace" he moans

Das Kapital

Talking apes are worse
Selling Law of the Jungle
as Capitalism

The Way We Live Still

Anthony Trollope
of satire, doled out a large dollop
Still so applicable
to every modern asset babble

Bio-University

Unfurling fern frond
Fritillary-favoured haunt
of rare butterfly

Aren't Potatoes People Too?

Potatoes have eyes
Potatoes also has toes
And potato skins

"It's the poor wot gets the blame"

Numbed by constant knocks 
Undeserving Rich reviled
Suffer those too weak

Hiraeth rygbi

Gareth Edwards 
Faced five formidable French forwards.
Welsh fans roared;
"Has the little man scored?"

It depends on your viewpoint

Does a waxing Moon 
Possess a special meaning 
When viewed from Brazil?

On viewing episode X of I, Claudius

Robert Graves
Oft mispronounced apices.
But at least he'd never have dared ta
Proclaim his horse a Senator.

Now we never shall...

I never knew her
Human flesh made demonic
Pitiable symbol

On mispronouncing Jolie...

Angelina Jolie 

Bought a strangely sedentary border cauli 

From Lara, a crofter she met on a movie. 

At heading sheep, 'twas worse than a Koolie...

The Price of Everything; The Value of Nothing

Soul of an artist?
Stomach of an artisan?
Endless dilemma.

Chelsea Tee

Fernando Torres,
Marked Masked Man, says
"Swish, Slash!
You're now a Marked Man too - easy cash."

It's the Depression...

Uneconomic.
Found Surplus To Requirements.
Feeling so damned low.

Work In Progress

One just has to ask
"Do Erotica Authors
Do it with a WIP?"

Top of the Product Placements

John, Paul, George and Ringo
Played yellow sardines in a Twingo.
Ideal were a VW Beetle
But Renault paid higher than a steeple.

Quantum of Serendipity

Ian Fleming
Missed Penicillin.
Science wasn't his kettle of fish
And it was Alexander's Petri dish.

Holistic innovation

Alexander Graham Bell
Thought "Oh, Hell,
I might as well
Invent the whole telephone not just the bell."

Civil Rights and Uncivil Liberties

For Rosa Parks,
What most narks,
Was on two fronts fighting;
For blacks, but also for wimmin.

Gideon Bauble...

A penny off a pint
An extra hundred beers sold
One whole Pound profit!

DOG BITES DIVAN!

Little whippet farts
Well from the foot of the bed
Wet tongue licks my feet

"Movie Magic" -- Cdr Bond RN GSOH

My name's Bond, James Bond.
I've no need of Potter's little wand,
Or Gandalf's gnarled knobbly staff;
Raise my kilt, and a Girl's got to laugh.

Phew!

Mad dash for the mail
Birthday Boy's face in my mind
Garish card posted

Paddington Bare-faced Cheek

Seasoned customers
Glean platform Intel from App
Head start in arse race

In the Balance

Named a thousand Pros
But a thousand Cons outweigh
And keep her from me.

Man walks into a bar...

Met the new Landlord
"Why the long face, Publican?"
"Just back from a wake."

Love is...

Love is as love does
Live long and hale my darling
Choose your man wisely

No fairy tale ending

Defy convention,
Parents, ancestors, and age
Love may not conquer

Braveheart vs Offa's Dyke

The skirl of the pipes
The swirl of Murrayfield mists
And Wales to kick off

Two nations separated by a forked tongue

Play the Ball not Man
As metaphor fails those Yanks
Steeped in Football lore

SCOTLAND 18 - WALES 28

Hymns and Arias
And then Harry's got a'hoarse
Scotland versus Wales

Searching for Comet Pan-STARRS

Scudding orange clouds
No coma or dusty tail
reward the cold man

Do-It-Yourself Castrametration

Mr John Wemmick
Built his own castle brick by brick;
Treated young Pip to free tiffins
While repeatedly molesting Miss Skiffins.

That which we call a tulip | By any other name would smell as sweet

As a marketer
I must say "horse-meat mince" stinks
Let's call it Dressage

Gr8 Eggspecashuns

Walworthian Wemmick
Mr Jaggers's wooden-faced side-kick:
"Don't invest portable property in a friend.
Unless you want that friendship to end."

Retrospective introspection

Movies together
Simple pleasures the strongest
Missed most when denied

One Thing and another...

Thing One and Thing Two;
Scary starey eyes and hair that is blue.
Two twin things dressed the same just for fun;
Luckily labelled Thing Two and Thing One.

Inspired by this (presumably an homage to Dr. Seuss).

Introspective retrospective

Those women I've loved
Needs for children, love unmet
No parsnips buttered

Racing Post from our Royal Correspondent

THE SUN SAYS "'DOLE QUEEN'
KEEPS ELEVEN KIDS, ONE HORSE"
What else to feed them?

Grate Expectations

Mr Wemmick,
Oily as a Dickensian candle's wick.
Offers timeless advice for staying tax-free:
"Get hold of portable property."

Planning for Serendipity...

Supernovae hunts
help oncologists trap crabs
Black Sky research rocks!

inspired by this report of how pure science research produces often unexpected dividends.

A Dupe of a MP Speaks Out on Gay Marriage

Not Adam and Steve
But Adam and Eve, proclaims
Eden's old fossil

About Those NRA membership figures...

Wayne LaPierre

was caught arming a bear

He told it, "Go on, make my day"

"Get your big hairy ass in the NRA"

Abe's Lesson for Modern Constitutionalists

Abraham Lincoln
Had reason to abhor the gun:
Giving up the freedom to oppress
Brings new freedoms in redress.

Piccadilly Circus

Drunken pub debate
On despised sports overheard:
Golf, Skinny-dipping.

National Rifled Association

Wayne LaPierre,
his arms did bare.
Upon them the marks of slavery
to the American gun industry.

On seeing Spielberg's Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln
abolished Slavery for one
and for an encore
met at the theatre a dreadful bore

or do you prefer

Abraham Lincoln
ended Slavery's despicable run
To him the 13th owed its genesis
but the 2nd proved his nemesis

A Tale of Two Apocalypses

Altar-sacrificed
Maya kids died knowing why
Not so in Newtown

Such a saga...

Teen rites of passage
White faces and hairless torsos
'ackneyed puberty

Christmas floods

Empty envelopes
Addressed but no card inside
It's the thought that counts 

Grounds for Recreation

Unstructured pleasures
Where is there a place for them
In our urban lives?

Ma Amy

So sho ha Miss Rong
Chinese lantern in darkness
Lighting my bleak house

Classic Comedy

Boxing Day telly
Wall to wall Carry On films
Carry On Groaning

Worshipping false idols

Colt Smith & Wesson
Glock Armalite MAC et al
U.S. Pantheon

Larkhall night life

Silent movie darts
A barmaid's provocations
Friday night local

Unwholy symbolism

Twilight on telly
Old men leeching life from girls
So rong it is right?

Pundead Actor

Robert Pattinson

Heart-stopping vampirism

Oft seen in twilight

but best on a moonless night