Of Private Parts and Corporal Punishment

Mrs General
abhorred children whose behaviour was feral,
Instructing them to live by her catechism:
"Papa, potatoes, poultry, prunes and prism."

Reflections on the water (3)

Rugby Training Ground
Part flooded by the Avon
Water Polo Rules

Reflections on the water (2)

Dull and blustery

Novelty of high water marks

Not seen for some years

Reflections on the water (1)

Flood defences raised
This gate lets the Avon through
Spatefully angry

Fauna gathers at the watering hole...

Bar flies in THE BELL
Three attractive young women
Must come here again...

Alice in Sunderland

Drax;
not a movie villain, so chillax.
A giga-maniacal wood-burning stove
plundering our Treasury's trove.

Written on learning that a coal-fueled power station is to be converted to burning wood to secure renewable energy subsidies from taxpayers...

Commissioner Gawd hun'!

"Did ya vote for 'er?"
"No, did you?" - "Na, why bovver?"
"Might help you get off?"

Who shot J.R.? First?

RIP Larry Hagman
Big man with a bigger hat than Desperate Dan
Shot in the Texas Panhandle
Reprise of a fenland Nazi scandal

Writer's Block

A desert highland
For shade no palm tree at hand
Bereft of my muse

It ain't cricket

American footballers;
Seemingly all big mothers!
Cause rugby fans a frown,
Strolling over a line, calling it a touchdown...

Boiling water

Angry brown water
Avon stirred from lethargy
by pier pressure

on seeing Bath's river in spate below Pulteney Bridge...

Miranda

Miranda Hart
Plays a big-boned, big-hearted part.
Wacky, funny, with talent imbued;
And always ready to appear semi-nude.

Fantasy Fish Food

Game Night at the Pub
Trout Rillette on the menu
Surely Trout Roulette?

I'm A Celebrity - Get Me On There!

Sleb exclusion zone
No reality show stars
Appear on bank notes

Lest we forget

Remembrance Sunday
Crisp bright blues skies remind us
How much they have lost

Eavesdropped

Man in the bar 
at the Star
droned on and on about his round
5.56, 7.62, 50cal; it wasn't profound

On seeing Skyfall at the Odeon, Bath

Fifty years of Bond
The cinema screen proclaims
James not Basildon

Hurricane Sandy

Grey waters rising
Hectic human lives on pause
Nature's reminder

Legal Persons

Weedy companies
deplete human resources;
oily - natural

Post-Apocalyptic Haiku

Last man left on Earth
Standing at the urinals
heard a toilet flush

Live from Westminster, 1834

Mrs Wright was wrong

Black Rod's Box too hot to probe

Parliament burns

Today in 1834 the Houses of Parliament burnt, after the destruction by burning of Tallies (obsolete wooden record sticks) led to a flue fire in the House of Lords. The devastation was not complete but Westminster Hall is the only major surviving part that was incorporated into the current building designed by Barry and Pugin.

Inspired by: this exclamation by one of the Lords' Housekeepers, Mrs Wright.

My world's a stage

Enter room stage right
Cross the limelighted planking
Exeunt stage left

or do you prefer

Enter room stage right
Cross the limelighted planking
Bow, exit stage left

The cold waters of Scapa Flow

World turned upside down
HMS Royal Oak sunk
while boys slept below

Written on the anniversary of the sinking of the Royal Sovereign class battleship HMS ROYAL OAK on the night of 13/14 October 1939.  Of the 833 sailors who died, 100 were boys, aged 15-17, an event that led to the Royal Navy ending the tradition of sending boys to sea for active service.

Joyless world

Greedy old miser
Bought Joy for a tidy sum
For his sole pleasure 

Dim Sun

Ten Stones ten Brothers
Nine Brown Dwarfs litter Sol's arc
Nine cry Rong is Right

It's National Poetry Day today!

Am straining juices
Crafting Haiku to order
Nation's Poem Day

Mind Games

Psychiatrists are
the weight-lifters of doctors
Lifting weights off minds

"Mortality, Vicar?"

Why'd God create life?
To live is to suffer hurt
A merciful god?

Interplanetary Health & Safety

Curiosity Rover, 
To avoid running a Martian over, 
On Mars, the first human tones out did ring: 
"CAUTION! VEHICLE REVERSING."

VOM KRIEG

FOX TWO! And GOTCHA!
Sea Harriers vee Sky Hawks
Young men play at war.

On walking Richard Gaul home after his stag do during the Falklands War...

Boys will be boys...

Spits and Messerschmitts

Whirling like small Hurricanes

Young boys play at war

A fishy business

Solitary stork
Taking his tithe from Lambrook
Grey-black mourning suit

Inspired by a heron (with too many syllables).  Is it the same bird as on 20 July 2012 and 18 June 2010?

Tamsin Eagleheart

If you can do Time

Exclaims Tamsin Eagleheart

You can do the crime.

Oscar nominations...

Mitt Romney
No Oscar nominee;
Americans elect actors who remember their lines
Mitt just gaffes and whines.

The Great Attractor

So charismatic
A movie star's genitals
attract bath scene suds

RIP Neil Armstrong

Neil Armstrong,
To the stars you now belong.
A million years hence, of you no hint,
Save on the Moon, that first footprint.

Was Icarus insured?

You're chasing the Sun
Wax melts; policy mis-sold
What a bad air day!

Esteamed locomotion

The purr-wheep echoes
Across the valley's stillness
Steam locomotive

or do you prefer

Vapours billowing
In esteamed locomotion
We love a choo-choo

A crisp evening

Sounds of the country
Drowned by crunch crunch crunch of crisps
In a pub garden

Pie Shop anecdote

Bradley Wiggins
Annoyed the French more than Mrs Miggins.
Riding off with the Tour de France
and cycling Gold, given half a chance.

Romantic night out in Larkhall

She desultory
Shallow and celeb-obsessed
Feels he love or lust?

Heart operation

Hammers strike heart-strings
Feelings muted then unleashed
Pianoforte

British Ariaways

Aria evokes
Emotions but memories
are of a crass ad

Études that elude

That moment of loss
Hearing music that moves you
Its name eludes you

The Rose and Crown, Larkhall, Bath

Dim lights relieve gloom
Dark wood paneling and bar
Denizens murmur

Mike Oldfield

Mike Oldfield
Reeled when his tubular bells pealed.
Too long exposed at Glastonbury,
The one year it was so very sunny.

Bath's Rec

Recreation Ground
Re-create Bath's open green space
for all not the few

Observations in the Roser

Local saloon bar
Three ladies with passes out
Crave one more bowl chips

Miss Anastatia Rugg

Miss Anastatia Rugg,
In high dudgeon and thick fugg,
Sued for breach of promise the baker
Who Mrs Hawkins wouldn't make her.

Water off a Duck's Arse

Michael Phelps
Having webbed-feet helps
When winning eighteen gold medals
With every stroke barring back-pedals

Stop the killing

Breeze blocks as headstones
For Syrian innocents
Killed by tyranny 

Great Britain

With Olympic Gold
and the Monarch's Diamond
Britain's again Great?

Limpic joy

Our Olympians
We love to watch them win gold
Pleasure shared by all

The Shard

Telly from London
Tallest tower swathed in cloud
Wakes Shardenfreude


Inspired by this sight, which is becoming all too familiar

Sensual bathing

Slump in a hot tub
Air bubbles out of my ears
Warm water tickles

Summer scene

Pallid waxing Moon
Loitering over canal
Humans duck and dogs

Cricket noises in Summer

On Solsbury Hill
Blue dome over verdant green
Crickets' lazy chirps

The Sounds of Little Solsbury Hill

Butterfly flutter
Whirly birds whine through clear air
Horseflies' hoarse outcries

What a good ol' boy, the IOC President...

Count Jacques Rogge
Belgium waffler, phlegmish cougher.
Having reached the Olympian heights,
Chose in the Olympic Village to spend his nights.

A Vatican Clerihew not a Limerick

There was a young lady called Joanna Cannon
Who yawned when the Pope preached on and on
She'd much rather be
with her dog Seth and robins one, two, three

Where have the skylarks gone?

Translucent blue sky
crowns Little Solsbury Hill
But no skylark sings.

Making a Dickens of a character...

Mr Pancks.
Steam blows; piston clanks.
Dickens of a character a metaphor did make;
A tugboat chugging in his Principal's wake...

National 'Elf Service

Dr Boo
not Doctor Who
a fine Doctor What
symptoms have you got?

Large Hadron Contriver

Quark enters a bar.
Barman: "We don't serve sailors!"
Oh, poor Higgs Bosun...

Revised; 'Contriver' seemed more appropriate than 'Conniver'...

Large Hadron Conniver

Quark enters a bar.
Barman shouts "Sailors not served!"
Poor Higgs Bosun...

Vainglory and Venality

Fifty Shades of Red
Reading of sexed-up Classics
Thwack thwack Thwackeray!


inspired by reading this article.

Skiffy traditions

The doors go fffft-wheee
Starships go whoooosh through vacuum
Thanks Foley artists!

Fossil Fools

Canine coprolites
filmed in plastic fool future
fossil turd finders

Straining Swedes

Kurt Wallander
kept his gun in a colander
in case of accidental discharge;
one hole more's no problem, Sarge!

July 14th Celebrations

To fishermen's friends
and revolting lozenges
Happy Pastille Day!

Hotel dew lack

Moneyed stillness reigns
Royal Crescent drawing room
Outside it still rains


After walking for 30 minutes through that mist of precipitation that eventually penetrates to the bone, it was warm and dry in the hotel; a more agreeable way to await my sister-in-law, as she finished her training course. 

Fantasy Fodder - Desert Choice #3

Lemon Pith Helmet
Wolfed with Indian Lassi
Couli-Hat topping.


More Virtual Victuals...

Self-Portrait

Philip C James
Chief among his aims
To bounce bread
Off the alpha male duck's head.

Big Swinging Duck!

Defend food and hen
Who'd be an alpha male drake?
he must be quackers!

Thank you Late Heavy Bombardment

Matthias Willbold 

looked into craters on Earth so very old. 

Found our precious metals arrived as asteroids diving; 

Every debris cloud had a silver lining.

Inspired by this insight.

Haven't you got homes to go to?

The Great British Pub
Warm beer, sausage, egg and chips
Banter and Ranter


or do you prefer


The Great British Pub
Barman's cleavage from behind
Barmaid's from the front

IDS? - "Increase Despair and Suffering"?

Ian Duncan Smith
requires kin and kith
to nest their young even if in work
Quiet man? Or dogmatic berk?

Who *are* the Housing Benefit recipients?

Build cheaper housing?
Better than pay benefits
to private landlords...

Sick as a parody...

Wayne Rooney
Striker extraordinary
Falls on his back thinking of England, pet!
Hoofing his balls roughly towards the net

Are Diamonds forever?

Bank boss Diamond
Will he fall on his own sword?
Or feign ignorance?

Small comfort for Enguland

Stats show Italy
took twice the passes of England
to score zero goals

WMDs

A woman's Weapons
of Mass Distribution are
stiletto heeled shoes


inspired by this (posted on Twitter by @JoannaCannon)

A punnet of forbidden fruit

Beautiful temptress
to dance with you would waken
slumbering passions

Last of the Summer Pinta

Heartbroken tortoise
crawled his island end to end
Lonesome George has died


RIP the last of his sub-species of Chelonoidis Nigra on the Galapagos island of Pinta.

Wasps' nest

Beautiful structure
of regular hexagons
recycled paper.

The National E-Mail Archive?

Poor Historian:
What insights of government
Run by tweet and text?

Educashun Secretary #FAIL

If words don't exist
how can Gove say how they're spelt?
His Phonics test's plapp!

"Jackdaws to automatic"

Corvid steals ducks' bread
Takes slow flight with beak stuffed full
at Max Take-Off Weight.


inspired by behaviour exemplified by this image.

Caveat Emptyer

Bomb Squad van sticker:
"NO BOMBS LEFT IN VEHICLE
OVERNIGHT" it read.

Mexican Stand-off

President Cristina Kirchner
moonlights as a mail deliverer.
"David Cameron, las Malvinas" crossed through;
"Try Falkland Islands" scrawled in blue.

Lady in weightin'

Pale washed denim sky
'ttendant Moon holds tummy in
Harbinger of dawn

Ballet for Blokes

Jason Statham
slayed 'em.
Transporter
but not da 'Beam Me Up Scotty' sorta.

The Selfish Meme

'tis not the tweeters
but tweets that live eternal;
i-DNA threads.

Haiku-Free Zone

Hippies and Poets
unwelcome at Larkhall Inn;
a Haiku-free zone.

Raising one's spirits

Weights & Measures Act
Pub Gin Rum Vodka Whisky
Twenty Five Litres

Writer's Block

Writing a Haiku
in the Larkhall Inn's too hard:
no poetry rules.

Gas! Gas! Gas!

Takeaway curry
Spiced punch under double seal
Biohazard tamed

What special relationship?

Philip Hammond,

fearing his large organ moribund,

when asked 'Defence or Defense?',

sat on the fence.

Judge rules Jay-stalking not inadmissable

The Lord Justice Leveson
was not averse to a pun.
His QC, Robert Jay,
preferred word play.

The Leveson Soap (aka Westenders)

Fred Michel
texted Spads pell mell.
Not one of the Mitchell bruvvers,
he left "veiled threats" to others.

The Truth for the Hunt

Jeremy Hunt
gave quasi-judging a punt.
Quasi-judicial he thought easy;
Queasy-judicial he made look sleazy.

A poker player on BBC Question Time

Victoria Coren

keeps her chips in a sporran;

plays her cards close to her chest,

except at Dimbleby's behest.

Fantasy Fodder - Dessert Course #2

Sublime lemon zest
Sublemonal zest of lime
Yellow Snow Cheesecake


More virtual victuals...

Another political expenses scandal...

Baroness Warsi
in visiting the khazi
tipped on expenses an appropriate sum
to wipe her bum.

Fantasy Fodder - Dessert Course #1

No horses were named
making this tiramizoo
to mascarpone


More virtual victuals...

The Return of the Nori

Dan Norris
learned nothing from Horace.
From MP to Mayor he's trimmed his aims;
Mr Norris Changes Trains.

Fantasy Fodder - Fish Course

Damp Squid poached in ink
Sticky baked Stickleback sauce
Soprano Sea Bass


More virtual victuals...

Fantasy Fodder - Entree

Boot of Wellington
Napoleon Brandy-flamed
with Waterloo Kraut


More virtual victuals.

Fantasy Fodder - Vegetable Course

Vegetable pies
Champagne and truffle pasties
Sweet couch potatoes


More virtual victuals.

Fantasy Fodder - American Pizza d'action

Horse head on rye bed
Big Mac-10 uzi over
Electric Chair fries


More virtual victuals.

Fantasy Fodder - Fisher Course

Spiced skewered Skua
Princess peas with rice pilaus
top rosti mattress


More virtual victuals...

Fantasy Fodder - Starters

Some loyal toast with 
brie and Frenchman's Kiss pâté. 
Fantasy Fodder.


Ideal for virtual parties on Twitter...

Music to shake the spheres...

Tectonic platelets
Requiem for an Angel
Stirs the heart's magma


or do you prefer


Tectonic platelets
Requiem for an Angel
Moves the heart's dark blood


On listening once more to Requiem for an Angel, by Paul Carr: the first time I've done so in a year.

The bullying of John Lauber

Mitt Romney's
youthful hatred of pink monkeys
may be excused, but
continued denial demands his candidacy go phut!

Spring cleansing

Asma al-Assad,
your husband's bad.
If he loves you, surely he'll stop
draining Syria's blood, drop by drop?


A plea to the President's wife along the lines advocated by Sheila Lyall Grant and Huberta von Voss Wittig (the wives of the UK and BRD Ambassadors to the UN respectively, in yesterday's Times of London).

Exiles - the Diaspora extends...

Slender silver skein
bisects Sol's golden fire pearl
Great Arc of Farewell

Calm down, dear...

Michael Winner.
Assured critic of dinner;
Might he be made a peer
for service soothing skittish Scottish deer?

BSkyB's the limit

Jeremy Hunt
to be replaced by Tessa Munt?
Anything to avoid a rhyme scatological
in verse meant to be whimsical.

or do you prefer:


Jeremy Hunt
Poor Bloody Infantry grunt.
Kicked in the Trossochs
in the feud twixt Clans Camerons and Murdochs

Lovely weather for ducks

Es regnet viel zu viel
Schönes Wetter für Ente
Futter oder Sex?


Inspired by watching the ducks enjoying the Lam Brook where I live...

The invisible handyman

Adam Smith
the Spad not the economyth
overstepped the quasi-judicial role
and bit the bullet for his boss; how droll...

Raining on their parade...

Two boys splashing mud
grin as puddle drowns trainers.
Lads will be lads still!

Iron Age Thinking

Iron Age fortress
or protected cattle pound?
That is the question


inspired by Sunday's walk atop Little Solsbury Hill.

On Little Solsbury Hill...

Which do you prefer?


On Solsbury Hill
in search of round hut circles:
Archaeologists


or


Archaeologists
in search of round hut circles.
A tautology?

Bath and Camerton Archaeological Society

BACAS not badass 
They're not archaeologists 
with an attitude


Inspired by yesterday's walk on Little Solsbury Hill.

2:42 am

Low moon glimpsed through cloud
Strange repeated clanking noise
Owl hoots eerily

2:41 am

Sounds borne on night air
Feeder of fears; strange new world
Dead of night remade

Just cause

Jack Straw
several dromedaries did bore
Droning on so, justifying war in Iraq
The last camel might've broke Straw's back

Lucky Seven Meme Game

Nettie Thomson has kindly tagged me as one of the seven writers to next participate in the Twitter game, the Lucky Seven Meme game.


This requires the tagged writer to 

1. Select page seven or 77 of the writer's current manuscript;
2. Find line seven;
3. Post the next seven lines or sentences, exactly as they are (no cheating)
4. Tag seven other writers to do the same.
5. Let those writers know...

It's an honour I don't think I deserve, not yet having published a novel. My WIP, Exiles, is at an early stage. It's merely a collection of scenes, with many gaps between them, so it's difficult to identify even page seven let alone page 77 at the moment. Therefore I've chosen the seventh file, counted seven lines down, and plucked the following seven lines from it:

The Conclave had but a single purpose, the review of the known exoplanets and their star systems. The People were searching for a second home. The futures of up to 25,000 Persons would depend on the suitability of the chosen target system. It was a complex decision, dependent on many factors – the characteristics of the star; the known planets, the distribution of dust, gas and planetoids, if any were detected; the distance from the Solar System and quantitative analyses of both the scientific uncertainties and concomitant risks in choosing the first extra-solar home for humankind.

As it's first draft, and the work is evolving as I write, I'm not even sure it will survive the second draft re-write, but there you go... Mission accomplished.


Finally, to fulfil my obligations to whoever started this game, I would like to tag the following seven authors (with apologies if they have already been so tagged - does that excuse them, I wonder?). 


The Magnificent Seven are:


@rebeleith


@bobosvensk


@sarahduncan1


@mariwriter


@marikacobbold


@yabunonaka


@russwrites

Bladud's Head Thoughts (4)

Bladud's Head beer stop
Edge of Bath - sows rooting up
and bores mouthing off


or do you prefer:


Bladud's Head beer stop
Bath's edge; sows rooting before
Bores spouting behind

Bladud's Head Thoughts (3)

Sat by the Lam Brook
Silent trapped in its stone course
Bladud's blades babbling

Bladud's Head Thoughts (2)

Suburban pig farm
Sows and piglets root in dirt
Grass reserved for boar

Bladud's Head Thoughts (1)

Towers of ivy
Five rutting doves pirouette
disturb the neighbours

Bradford West By-election

George Galloway
returns to the Commons affray
Nature abhorring a political vacuum
chose to fill it with spittle and spume

Pressured into forced marriage...

Scarred ancient lock gates
meet with sacrificial pine
in forced marriage.

inspired by these moments...

A slower era...

Too much luxury
Time to watch lock's slow decline
Faster out than in

inspired by these moments...

Route canal work

Waiting for dentist
Watch canal lock in stasis
Water slowly drops


inspired by these moments...

Kennet & Avon Canal

Narrow boat bobbing
Novelty palls for slim girl
Swings one more lock gate

Tales of Middle Ear

Hot soak in the tub
Water sloshing ear-to-ear
Baffled no baffles!

Cash For Access

Sarah Southern's
Electric oven's
cooked up lunch with Cameron
for a cool quarter of a million

Kenneth and Avon Canal Canard

Dark canal towpath
Shadow before afterglow
Duck! Quack! Slo-mo Splaaaaaaaash!

Greeting and tweeting

Squirrels playing boles

Ladybirds sunbathe on a spade

Birds tweet the Spring Sun

RIP Merv the Swerve

Mervyn Davies
gave Wales three Grand Slam victories
The Welsh loved Merv
for a name they could rhyme with Swerve

Whose land is it anyway?

Amerindians
is 'Homeland Security'
just Sitting Bullshit?

The luck of the Irish...

...sadly deserted them on their Saint's day rugby union match against the mighty English:

Stumbles and fumbles
St Patrick's luck deserts greens
for the red dragons

St Patty's Day Poetry Challenge

A would-be writer from Wales
took time off from his travails
to compose in lieu
a poor Clerihew
that against a Haiku sadly pales:


Rachelle Gardner
"Howdy, pardner!
Write me a verse most slick,
a three line seventeen syllable Limerick."


written in response to this challenge.

Getting it into perspective

Immortal wand'rers
Venus conjuncted with Jove
But no bull this time

inspired by this astronomical accident of celestial geometry and perspective...

A Plebeian Vox Pop

That Caius Martius 
Honoured Coriolanus
Man, what an arsehole!

On viewing CORIOLANUS, The Movie...

Caius Martius Coriolanus 
by the Bard made famous. 
"...husband to a murdered wife  ...father to a murdered son; " 
er..., no, that was the other one. 

Adage Obsolescence

That light-bulb moment!
With new low energy bulbs
Will we see the light?

A "slut" and a "prostitute"...

Russ Limbaugh
might be nimbler
if he used his jaw less,
God bless!

Cosmological triumph

Action from afar
or curvature of space-time?
Einstein trumps Newton

Three Wanderers

Orange Mars rising
Evening star sets with Jove
Three planets in view


Sadly, I missed the bolide that transited north to south about 20 minutes after I viewed these planets while walking to the pub...

The Belly-up Landing

Syrup-doused pancake
wrapped around a large choc-ice
stickily scrumptious

Conjunctionitis

Venus, Jupiter
Move serenely closer
in western night skies

PC David Rathband, R.I.P.

Blind fate stole your sight
Rest In Peace David Rathband
The torment's over

The Fascinator

The Fascinator
Gimme your boots, clothes, that hat,
and motorcycle


Happy St David's Day. You can view the inspiration here.

Small shops are big business

Tesco Express here
Tesco Express ev'rywhere
variety lost

Twixt two worlds

Skeletal forms bridge
Severn's wide roiling waters
Five worlds conjuncted




On seeing the crescent Moon, Venus and Jupiter in loose conjunction over the Severn Crossings linking England and Wales last Sunday evening.

Heavenly bodies

Three world conjunction
sidereal contraflow
never congested

Water falls

Through a waterfall
Outside sounds voices muffled
Water tide ribbon

The Cardinal Sin

The Cardinal Sin said
it's not how many angels dance on a pinhead,
it's envying their Strictly win,
that's the Cardinal Sin.

Heralding the dawn

Anticipation
Dying moon seen through stark trees
Of new sun rising

Botcher!

Kelvin Mackenzie
in his media frenzy
confuses 'Pubic Interest'
for 'Public Interest'.