Delusions of Grand Ewer

Public Houses are
Where I do my best work or
Drink persuades me so

"Rivers of Blood"

Enoch Powell,
If handed a trowel,
Could never have laid foundations
Like migrant Africans and Asians

Classic Christmas BBC Repeats

The Two Ronnies
Drank copious draughts of Kolon-Eze.
The wind snuffed out four candles
But never toppled fork handles.

Yuletide thoughts

I miss her so much
"It's not going anywhere"
Why does it have to?

Prints of Wales

Edward Longshanks
For castles gave thanks.
They kept the Welsh contained
And the Scots distrained.

By Cadw | Herbert Ortner 

Is he writing poetry?

In the Saloon bar
A poser writing poems?
No - Christmas cards list

Reform Follows Dysfunction

Eric Pickles

Would hate Prime Minister's Tickles;

Questions to the Prime Minister may be nugatory,

But Masosadism is altogether too gory. 

Scales from your eyes

Other people's needs
Do not outweigh your own drives
A balancing act

Brief Encounter

Harrison Ford
Tied his jim-jams with detonator cord;
His y-fronts bore the powder burns
For which an action hero yearns.

© Spreadshirt

Nation-defining events

"Before the Last War"
Funny how we Brits forget
Wars since '45

Would an English Rose smell as sweet?

Billy Twelvetrees
Declined sponsorship from Febreze
They don't do an odour trap
That'll civilise a rugby forward's jockstrap

© Sodacan

Bleak Friday

Black Friday discounts
The marketers' siren call
Reaching Psyche's depths

or do you prefer (comments welcome):

Black Friday discounts
Supermarkets cut prices,
eyes, lips and knuckles

A career gone downhill

Vanessa Mae
Lost her way
Her Giant Slalom poor to middling
A violinist caught fiddling

Transatlantic Confusion

TV Basketball
Michigan St v Rider
State not Street I guess?

Enigma's Variations

Alan Turing

Undecided if he was out or in,

Axiomatically an Entscheidungsproblem,

He named it the Irritation Game.

© CIA

Not Salad Days - Claret Days!

Oranges and Wines
Sweet-tasting colours falling
To Autumnal Earth

The animals get used to it...

Archers Omnibus
One a week - Sunday at 10
Rural buses stink!

A Patrician walks

Andrew Mitchell
Shared with Nicholas Witchell
A reverence for Royal Slebs
Though not Thrasher's disdain for Plebs

By International Office, via Wikimedia Commons

When one Plebgate closes, another opens...

Birkenhead Drill updated

Women and kids first!
(If they hold First Class tickets
As Planet Earth sinks).

An Archers scriptwriter writes...

Barset or Barsoom;
The chronicler's vast power
To impose their will

Decisions. Decisions...

To turn Left or Right?
Bladud's Head or Rose And Crown?
Multiverse trembles

Retail Therapy

Supermarket aisles
Surefooted exercise park
For infirm Aged

Where were you?

I remember where
I heard the BBC News
"Philae has landed"

By European Space Agency (Rosetta and Philae at comet) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Marry time? Or Naughty gal?

She loved a sailor
He undressed her with his Ayes
Used to matelots

Not the first Harrier seen at Filton

Breeze-riding raptor
Stark against captive Concorde
Rapt or just entranced?

Monofilla

Feeling so empty
A wrong-shaped hole in my life
Paper over cracks

#AskNigelFarage

The People's Army
Uniform: Kipper ties in
British Racist Green?

The last British Coal Mine?

King Coal is dying?
Miner and minor slayer
No fond farewell, Sire!

Species of Ate

Ollie Octopus
Was baked in an Octopie
(Can't do Kids' Haiku)

Of Eagles and Beagles

Irene Adler 

Owned more riding crops than a hunt saddler. 

Her Langlaufen on Pulver rocked; 

Her downhill skiing left one feeling SHERlocked. 

By Charles Dana Gibson (drawing) Aloxi (first upload in 2006) ΛΦΠ [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

The Danish Play. On Words

To be? Not to be?
Under threat from urban sprawl
The English Hamlet

Tantric Sax

Clarence Clemons

Put off sucking lemons.

It turned a tone so mellow

Yellow.

By Clarence_Clemons_performs_in_Baltimore,_2009.jpg: Jamison Foser derivative work: Arbor to SJ [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Tantric SFX

Douglas Trumbull
Once took a tumble
From the Tree of Life
While simulating cinematic strife

Tantric Fax

Waiting by the fax
The low bit rates encourage
shelved satisfaxion

Tantric Coupling

The long engagement
Prolonging the pleasure of
The Wedding Planning

Österreichische Wortspielchen

William Kellner
Caught the atmospherics of a brief encounter,
But traveled by craven Roller, or would fly,
To avoid getting a smut in the eye.

All around here were foreign fields

I remember when...
Parliament passed our laws
Now they enact wars

Cold War Two

Playing the long game?
Putin's mortal and will die.
The West will endure.

Bottling it up

Marketing jargon:
"Vapour-distilled" aitch-two-oh
So makes my blood boil

Or do you prefer:

"Vapour-distilled" hype
Regarding bottled water 
So makes my blood boil

I #AmWriting

Laura and Lauren
Identical twin sisters
Cue plot confusion

The Cod Particle

Easy to disCERN
The Large Haddock Collider
Brings Man nearer Cod

Micropoetry from the Microbrewery

Poem production
Upped by ethanol solvent.
Is my Muse a Drunk?

A very particular set of skills

Does Liam Neeson
feel a frisson
of glee, son, when he hears the 'phone ring
and it's his agent proclaiming "Kerching!"?

Farewell My Concubine

Chinese characters
A cast of thousands appear
Only one persists

A Cosmological Constant

Carl Sagan
Eschewed discharging a ray gun
To mark successful SETI,
Preferring to scatter confetti.

Dichotomy? Or Libidotomy?

Love unrequited?
Who cares for requisition?
Age brings wise feelings?

Or do you prefer

Love unrequited?
Contentment beats requitement
Age brings wise feelings.

Unreal Estate

Absentee Zombies 
Undead-eyed Lords of lands with 
Vacant Possession 

Diagnosis by Mass Media

Google disagrees
With my Docs; get me PM's
Second Opinion

Famous Writers 1

Beryl Kingston
Found plotting novels such fun,
But tied herself up in a terrible muddle
Packing for a cruise across a puddle.

The Red Queen's advice to Ralph

"The Lark Ascending"
Would not suit our modern times
Try "lark assembling"

The Great British Pub #Sarcasticon

The Crystal Palace
Regimented figurines
Inflated prices

£4.99 for a packet of crips and a pint of Fosters, mate! You've got to be taking the raw prawn cocktail... 
Them's not London - well, Teddington, prices - them's worse!

Asymmetry in The Hive

Four frames on a wall,
Two too askew; I'm itching
To set them both true.

From small acorns...

Admiral Arthur Phillip RN

Transported some men,

And founded New South Wales

(The largest of England's al fresco gaols).

A good night at The Hive

Electric guitars
Sparking a buzz at The Hive
And photo session!

Live Music at The Hive

A real music pub
Jamming guitars strike the right
(and a few wrong) notes

Ugandan Naval Relations

Commander Sarah West
Allegedly made a frigate her love nest.
Not so much "Sleeping with the Enemy;"
More a whole new meaning for "her third dickey."

Have they thought this through?

Ankle tagging drunks;
Will booze sniffing anklets work
If they are legless?

Lights Out - August 4th, 1914

Lamps are going out...
Except on that War Machine
Marked 'MEAT GRINDER ON'

Sir Edward Grey, 1st Viscount Grey of Falladon

Inspired by that iconic and prescient quotation attributed to the British Foreign Secretary on the eve of the Great War:

"The lamps are going out all over Europe, we shall not see them lit again in our life-time"

The Great War started 100 years ago, today. 

The trauma it engendered earned it the epithet "the War to end all wars."

This has not proved to be so.

Five Guinea Reward

It pays to advertise, Mrs Malone,
And in truth the lady was rarely alone,
As gentlemen handed in her merkin
At 9 Gay Street, a-smirkin'

From: "Lifting the Georgian petticoats" by Georgette McCready, THE BATH MAGAZINE, 142, July 2014.

Summer in the city (Pub)

Fake Tudor fireplace,
Paneled walls, faux wooden beams
And patterned dresses

Doubled-edged words

Are Jews who condemn
Israel's acts in Gaza
Anti-Semites too?

Kohlwitz

Helmut Kohl
Thought it highly droll;
If he'd been of the Jewish hierarchy,
Would he've been a Kohl Rabi?

"I hate writing; I love having written"

Dorothy Parker
Shared with Mina Harker
A passion for the incisive Count,
Though of Words not of a Carpathian Mount

You Can't Teach an Old Etonian New Tricks

It's re-shuffle time.
"Pick a cad; any cad" says
Mr. Patronage.

Monster Compendium - A Recognition Guide 1

Euroseptic Trolls
They're easy to spot; they live
Under a drawbridge

Should Schools be Free to favour Creationism?

Gove's costly dogma Allied with the Church's doctrine To forge true Wonder?

Frankenstein's Nag

Victor Frankenstein
Swore blind lightning works just fine.
Like all Renewables unpredictable;
Yet his horse, though bolted, remains stable.

A Glasto Veteran Speaks

Mundane Onions
A great name for a band says
Lady of Shallots

Inspired by this exchange.

T.H.E.R.M.O.P.Y.L.A.E.

Dolly Parton
Played Glastonbury like a Spartan;
In a cleft twixt two peaks,
A small band saved Country and the Greeks.

In the Dress Circle of Dante's Inferno

Shoe shopping Limbo
Female Retail Therapy
Male Purgatory?

Waiting for the other shoe to flip-flop

Ladies' shoe shopping
She asks where's my other shoe?
Sod's Law, it's been sold...

Three Day Event Horizon

Shoe shopping with Rong
Amid gossiping schoolgirls
Ennui threshold reached

Grange Hill

Elevated view
Across the Severn valley
Raises my spirits

Supper interlude

Wind chimes fitfully

Birds tweeting incessantly

Time out from Twitter

Tup Gear?

Houses demolished
In Jeremy's perfect world
Lives lived in their cars?

Idling and Idle Observation

A hot day in Bath
Spot the cars that have aircon
Tinted windows closed

See, Thrupenny Oh!

Pub artwork for sale
R2D2 with Punk spikes
Star Wars or Warhols?

In a Chancelry far, far away...

The Empire Strikes Back
Cancels Death Star sub-light primes
Attack of the Cloans

A Man For All Somerset Timezones

Jacob Rees-Mogg

Modeled his suits on the wardrobe of Douglas Hogg;

His quizzical features on those of Douglas Hurd,

And his ungainliness on that of Big Bird.

Or do you prefer the following?

Jacob Rees-Mogg

Modeled his suits on the ensemble of Douglas Hogg;

His quizzical features on those of Douglas Hurd,

And his gaucheness on that of George the Third.

Dawn arrives

Wan light through windows
Night shifts to day, Dawn arrives
Along with Nurse Claire

Dilemma

How do I answer?
'How'd you get that scar, fella?'
"Cut myself shaving"?

Crossroads

Life at the Crossroads
Do they lead up to discord?
Down to contentment?

David Ike

General Dwight D. Eisenhower
Swapped military for political power.
What'd that moderate Republican grandee
Have made of the Mad Hatters' Tea Party?

The Power of Morpheus

A dream-free slumber
Once experienced twice craved
This time forever

Telling Tales from the Ward

Sod hospital food

I'm a finicky eater

Gimme Burger King!

Short Stay Surgery Ward; Short?

Awaiting discharge.......
Or did we die and this is
Limbo not our Ward?

Classic propaganda

Leutnant zur See Ernst Hirth

Serious by name and not a noted flirt;

Played by Eric Portman in 49th Parallel

In an array of snazzy Canuck apparel.

No need to shoot an arrow...

No coffin for me
Bury me shrouded 'neath boughs 
Of a greenwood tree

The Big Question

What will it be like
Not to wake from sleep imposed?
I will never know

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose

Sigsbee Manderson
Would've felt 'Oligarch' sounds like great fun.
Nothing penetrated his thick carapace
Save the bullet found in Trent's Last Case.

On The Beach

After hard grafting

A chance to sit on the edge
Wind driven breakers

PPE GCSE: Multiple Choice Question 1; Option D

Or would you opt for Choice 'D'?

Ironically, Nigel Farage
Is German by mariage;
His Ukippers stink; his People's Army van is to disparage;
Ein Volkswagen! Ein Riech! Ein Farage!

PPE GCSE: Multiple Choice Question 1; Option C

Or do you favour Multiple Choice 'C'?

Nigel Farage
Puts his horse before the carriage;
The immigrant flood before gay rain
And, generally, credulity does strain.

PPE GCSE: Multiple Choice Question 1; Option B

Or do you prefer Choice 'B'?

Nigel Farage
Kept his bandwagon in the garage;
His German PA shackled by mariage,
And gay rain held back by the Thames Barage.

PPE GCSE: Multiple Choice Question 1; Option A

You may choose one of four options: do you choose 'A'?

Nigel Farage

Fears flooding following gay marriage,

And his antipathy to the Bulgar

Borders on the vulgar.

The Riot in the Imagination Dept

Trembling child atop;
Scary Monsters 'neath the bed.
But who's more frightened?

Or do you prefer the following. Feel free to comment...

Monsters 'neath the bed
Perhaps it's they who're scared of
Ravening children?

The flies that bind

Ley lines in the sky

Gossamer world wide web strands

Spun by wing'd spiders

A message from our sponsor: Confucius.com

Tammy Y. O'Ming
Sings Sino-Irish Country
An east-west fusion

Hashtag Haiku

#Haiku #Clerihew
#Poem #Micropoetry 
My #Microtalent

The Worst Poesy on Earth

Woken from nightmare
Thinking in Vogon poesy
Like a plurgled bee

E Clerihew Bentley

Edmund Clerihew Bentley
Wove poesy and wit so gently
Two rhyming couplets were his thing
Not conscious uncoupleting

Frank Holiday

A quiet Easter 
Twickenham is not London 
Conscious Uncoupling

Mind the Gap

Easter in London
In Tube stations of the cross
Buskers mined The Doors

Still full of herself

Shining brightly though
Long being in Earth's shadow
Luna starts waning

With thanks to @DandelionGirl01 for her inspiring image:

I woke to a lotus flower moon tangled in the branches.
— Tamsin (@Dandeliongirl01) April 16, 2014

Photo by Tomruen ([1]) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Ciggie, anyone? Dromedary or Bactrian?

Camel cigarettes.
When offering at High Tea,
Ask "One hump or two?"

With thanks to @KatieFforde.

Game of Thrones

Male Members in House
Rate female MPs by their boobs.
And we them by theirs.

Or do you prefer the Haiku below. Feel free to comment.

Gender power games
Played on fantastic thrones? No;
Green leather benches.



These haiku were inspired by news articles from 2004 and 2014.

And in a display of even-handedness MPs appear to be exercising asymmetric sexual power in gay relationships also. Equality of a kind but hardly laudable...

The Member for Wellingborough

At PMQs Mr Peter Bone
Invariably makes the PM groan.
Threatening him with a Mrs Peter Bone;
At such times the PM stands not alone.

Blöd Sinner

Wie antwortet man

Wenn Blödsinn gesprochen ist?
Heckler ohne Koch

I, Spy...

Johnny Worricker
Laboured under his unwieldy moniker.
Whereas Bond got the gambling, the guns, the girls;
Got to act the complete swine amongst pearls.

Bladder on a Stick

A room with no view
With such delicate marbling
Pain-shot and vein-shot

Is it a Sin to invade the Crimea?

A divided Church
Canons to the left of them
Canons to the right

Hitchhikers' Guide to Clerihews

Peter Jones
Made no bones
About it - The Book
Should be available on Nook

Douglas Adams
Unmoved by Goddamns,
Poot!, Fiddlesticks!, and Bum!
Revealed the worst Galactic swear word is - Belgium!

A tribute to the two who sadly can't be there on Radio Four at 10.15 this morning.

Crime in Crimea

Maiden of Maidan
Pawsed by that old Russian Bear
Loses Crimea

Of the Gododdin

Ian Rankin
Did Clerihewers threaten a right good spankin'
And around inattentive coach tourists did fuss
"Inspect or re-bus!"

Streaming of Unconsciousness

My alarm woke me
As my dream reached the 'reveal'
It's on I player?

(or do you prefer)

My alarm woke me
As my dream reached the 'reveal'
No spoilers thank you!

Humdinger's Certainty Principle

Two distinct futures
Longing for certainty to
Collapse the waveforms

This Week; Last Week

'Twas all UK rain
Now the media's focused on
What reigns in Ukraine?

S = k log W

After re-inventing the fridge, Albert Einstein
Went into a relative decline;
Ludwig Boltzmann denounced his self-flushing latrine
An impossible perpetual motion machine.

Albert Einstein, Re-Inventor of the Refrigerator

Ludwig Boltzmann: tragically ironic that such a mercurial man had a constant named after him...

Harrumphinger

The lump in the throat
Brought on by great emotion?
That stays unwelcome.

Wireless and raven-free

No need for ravens
Four winds droning from up high
Unblinking Odin

µUAV launched over Bath city centre, 19 February 2014

Parry for the course

Wales win England stuffed
Doom barred curry housed sated
Six nations week end

Run it up the Walpole; see who salutes it...

Manfred, Prince of Otranto,
A classical villain straight from panto,
Mistreating his wife and daughter in need of an heir,
Though sadly without ever twirling his facial hair.

Dewi's halo slips...

Addictive gaming
Zapping aliens leaves no time
To admire beauty

And the lorry shall lie down with the lamb and the lion

"Do not feed the birds"
These were in deed angry fowl
The trill of the kill

"It's only fair"

Back on the scrap heap
Firms worth billions screw up but
Little guys suffer

Shorn of the dreadlocks

Warming fire and gloom
Well-kept bitter and "pig snacks"
The Bell's Ennui Night

Eavesdroppings

"Give me some of your

Dry and desirable nuts"

-- Woman to Barman

Why?

Do actors take drugs
Because their own lives are the
Worst rôles they have played?

Don't be vaig...

General Douglas Haig
Generally bathed in Laphroaig;
The bottle with the dimples,
He reserved to soak his pimples.

"Winds Gay Force 7 strengthening to 9"

"Pink sky greets morning?
Expect renewed flood warning"
-- UKIP Weatherman

Tales from the Blood Bank

A lady named Mrs Barrett
Might've welcomed a talking parrot
Looking behind her at the appointments screen
If it could also read, it'd earn the right to preen.

For whom do rooms wait?

In the waiting room
Human contact established
With neck crick warning

For what do rooms wait?

In the waiting room
Musak soothes the angstvoll breast
Notably calming